DRay.....my dad died..............

Wow.....I'm trying to wrap myself around this new challenge in my life. You may think I might be sounding a little cold....my dad died on wednesday due to a massive heart attack....but you see, my dad actually died when I was a little 4yr old girl...his only daughter...you know, daddy's little girl...well, not so much, he left our family..our home..when I was 4, Mike was 5 and Kevin was 2yrs old...a day I will never ever forget as long as I live and can replay in my mind over and over again with great clarity... I was there when he drove away...even at 4yrs old I knew he was never coming back..I thought I could catch him...as he drove off I ran and I ran after his car yelling and screaming for him to stop, to come home, please don't leave us...we need you..but, he never stopped and I just kept running and running until I got to the busy street of 800 north in Orem .....some man, someone I didn't know but will always thank because...he stopped me before I got on the busy street..he took me home...he had a bag a donuts that he gave all of us kids then he left...I never saw him again, but am so grateful that he took care of me at that time. Anyway, yesterday I got a phone call from Aunt Beverly...another person I don't know...his sister.. his family I guess disowned us, never having anything to do with us after the divorce...Grandpa tried to keep in touch a bit, but I guess it was just too hard for him, I really don't know exactly...anyway, she called me yesterday to tell me that he had passed away and the small funeral would be monday....yes, we are going so that we can pay our respects. I don't know how to feel exactly, I have never hated the man...when I was little I would cry myself to sleep at night wishing he would come home someday, that he would know he made a mistake and that he missed us...but, no, that wasn't to be...we just never saw him again. I will always have a small place in my heart that loves him...he was my father...doesn't that sound funny...that I would still love someone that couldn't do the same for me...I honestly can't explain it and will never understand..I wish him well and myself, I will move on with my life....this is a hard thing and monday will be a hard day...I feel like crying but I don't want anyone to see me cry, why should I cry for him......